Freedomain Radio

Is it important that when you defoo or end a relationship with a friend that you communicate to them why you're doing it? I find that whenever I end a relationship I tend not to explain why after I've withdrawn. Either that or I'll describe reasons that are only partially the problem with the relationship, hiding the major reason why I cannot continue the friendship. I left my dad 8 years ago after living with him for 2 months without so much as a word or explanation, I felt betrayed for the second and last time and he likely doesn't understand fully what happened.

Do we owe it to friends to know why we cannot be friends with them any longer? Is it cowardly or lacking integrity to withdraw without a complete explanation?

If you don't want, you don't need to explain anything.

I ended a few relationships with friends that way, no explanation. Problem is, I have a friend who is still in contact with them. So for a long while he acted as their probe to figure out what happened.

When you end a relationship without explanation, the other individual is naturally going to be curious as to why it ended. Depending on why you're ending the relationship, it may or may not be fair to provide an explanation. Providing an explanation is only going to benefit the person who you are leaving behind, leaving them without one though may lead them to think long and hard (coming to possibly erroneous conclusions).

There can be value in bringing that stuff up. Reactions to your honesty can provide reassurance and closure for many. But this is just my experience of course--I did not have any of those final conversations with my family right before I defooed. I felt as though I had been having them for years, and I believe that simply requesting no further contact was the right decision for me based on a history of strong verbal abuse. What I'm getting at is if you have an urge not to talk about it, trust your instincts. This is about what you want and what you're comfortable with--so what do you want, and what are you comfortable with? What would be the most helpful and healthy for you as you part ways with these people?

I also wanted to point out that words and phrases like cowardly and lacking integrity don't seem to be fit descriptors for you, as you seem to be willing to make hard choices to increase peace and safety in your life. Kudos to that.

aerocabin:

Do we owe it to friends to know why we cannot be friends with them any longer? Is it cowardly or lacking integrity to withdraw without a complete explanation?

If you decide to disengage from someone for some reason, I believe it is entirely *irrational* to tell them why beforehand. Telling them why you are disengaging is an act of engaging!

For example, I deFOO'd on the last day of school. I had to find accommodation and a job to enable me to go to university some months later, but my parents had no idea where I had gone. When I was ready, I contacted them. They were angry, so I didn't contact them again for quite a while - by which time they had come to the realisation that anger was probably not the best way to open a channel of communication. We then got onto a much better footing as equals and had a great relationship from that day onwards.

I also deFOO'd from my two brothers about 10 years ago, simply because they were very disrespectful to me ... once each (I don't tolerate fools gladly). They had no idea that I had done so until mutual friends told them why I wouldn't call them and why I wouldn't attend their weddings, birthdays or christmas gatherings any more.

The same has applied with betrayed friendships: When a long-time friend did the wrong thing by me in a brief business relationship, I just told him that our relationship was over and that he should never speak to me again. He asked if we could keep the friendship and cancel the business relationship? I laughed and said that "friends" don't betray each other like that, so "no". I ran into him in the street some years later and he was nervously chatty. I answered all his questions in a very friendly manner (but didn't ask any in response). Then he said: "Would you like my phone number?". I said "No". He said: "It's still like that, is it?". I said "Yes. Always will be." ... and walked off with a friendly smile.

There is absolutely no need to strike up a long session of accusations (your reasons for disengaging) and counter allegations (their responses to each of your reasons PLUS their own gripes about you). That is simply prolonging the engagement and is the exact opposite of disengaging. It just looks to me like an attempt at revenge ... and I never waste one minute of my precious time on revenge. Better to move on to a new and better life.

But I do have one major disagreement with FDR ... and that is that one needn't disengage from friends or acquaitances with differing philosophies/theologies.

My business partner and I are both hard-core anarcho-capitalist-atheists. He was more anarcho than I when we met. I was more atheist than he when we met. FDR just happened to bring us both into the same planetary alignment. But our staff include: a fundamentalist christian who adds "God bless you!" to the end of every telephone conversation (and even says prayers for sick customers, though I doubt she has cured any); her son, a spiritualist and former theology student who learned from his professor at university that "all religions are bullshit - but here is what they believe"; a few closet christians; a few determined socialists; a budding union organiser; and a bunch more philosopho-religious variants. There is not one anarcho-capitalist-atheist among them (yet .. .but some are getting closer :). The one thing we share in common is an understanding that if one tries to push their agenda, they will be met full force with my agenda. They therefore prefer to not be controversial and we all get along famously. I have 0% staff turnover over a few businesses - and have been at close to 0% for decades.

Another example: My best mate is a religious minarchist-libertarian. When he stops sending me emails about the evils of immigration, junkies and muslims, then I stop sending him emails about the insanity of religious beliefs, wars of aggression and armed tax collectors. He gets the connection ... so when we sit down together for a weekend of red wine and raucous laughter, we tend to skirt around politics and religion. (To tell the truth: I have no idea what his actual religious beliefs are - and could care less - I think he is a scientologist!; he now thinks I'm a crazy bomb-carrying anarchist and tries to avoid the topic). We have been friends and fellow company directors for >30 years.

As Stef also says, we change the world by example - not by preaching!

i also didnt give explanation to my parents when I left, the thought of it made me feel something really negative that i cant quite put my finger on, i just really couldnt do it for some reason, i guess the thought of sitting down and being so vulnerable made me feel angry and very uncomfortable. I never really bothered to sit and ask myself why, i just took it as gut instinct saying it really wouldnt be a good idea.

There are some relationships though that I have sometimes regretted not giving more of an explanation as to why i was leaving. Usually relationships that I went into by my own choice and made with my actions as well as those of the other person.

If you still think that your friendship can be worked out, then I'd say it's a good idea to talk it through with this person in order to achieve closure (one way or the other).

However, if you have no desire to continue the friendship, you certainy don't "owe" any explanation.  I've found that people (especially people with whom we were once close) are incredibly sensitive to the wrongs they have committed in relationships.  If your friendship has reached the point at which you're ready to call it quits, then it's likely that the person knows what's wrong, at some level.

Of course we don't usually owe anyone explanations for ending things, or talks with them about something that hurt us or upset us, or reasons why we've withdrawn.  There are consequences to not getting closure though and there are also consequences in terms of UPB.

We all have histories and we all snap or hurt or zing people sometimes or make mistake, not deliberately or anything and certainly there are degrees to the point of immoral or abusive, but I know that I would appreciate someone being honest with me about something I might have done to hurt them before just dumping me.  I was telling Tom in Philly about a recent relationship where I was on the other end of this, but being left to speculate feels awful and I am still trying to speculate though my therapist and I did have some theory about what it was (she turned out to be interested in me, I rejected her, her hurt immediately went underground to later find a "reason" to dump me), I've still got no real certainty about it.  Maybe that's not the best example but it helps to think about it in terms of UPB.

I didn't give any explanation when I severed contact with several friends and acquaintances some years ago. I simply ignored the phone calls and emails until they stopped, and never had any regret about doing so. The only regret I had was not doing it sooner.

My friend tends to make an analogy for ostracizing someone (which to a large extent breaking of relationships is) without making sure they know why they're being ostracized is like punishing a child in some non-abusive way (maybe just witholding certain things) without actually letting the child know why is (s)he being punished. So the ostracized is no better off in terms of understanding. It's true that if you try to explain your reasons they may be totally defensive and hostile and whatnot, but that only helps you confirm whether your decision is right and gives you more in terms of closure, and despite the hostile reaction the ostracized one at least has some clues as to what (s)he did wrong.

So I'd really take the position that if you're not sure, telling them about it is the way to go. And that in most cases it is probably a better idea than to just shut off without warning. I think it is important to note, however, in what way should such an explanation be provided. I think it really shouldn't be an exposition of accusations or descriptions of "all the things you've done to me" or anything like that. Instead it should only be an exposition of how you tend to feel in that relationships, only feelings, pure and simple. Thus you may say something like "I feel uneasy and underappreciated around you" and "it just doesn't seem like we're on the same level, we don't appear to be understanding each other very well and I don't feel there's a real desire to deepen such understanding".

Leave a note!

But this doesn't even have to be a live conversation. If you really feel so extremely bad and fearful of a yet another encounter then at least make sure they get the message. Leave them a note, send them an email, leave a message in some way, but don't just make it something vague like "it just didn't work out, I don't want to see you again". It should really explain how you honestly feel, and do it as respectfully as you can (because that increases the chances that they'll understand sooner rather than just wish to pursue you, like Barbara W. did..). If you're brave enough it may even be a good idea to clearly outline conditions upon which you'd be willing to give them a single one more chance to at least respond in some decent way, to give closure to both. So in such a note you could say "if you wont just accuse and chastize me and if you're willing to try your best to be curious, then you may call me at this number".

Ultimately though I think it all depends on what kind of a relationship this is. If it's family members and there was any semblance of closeness it probably deserves a little more than an abrubt ending, at least some explanation and some closure. If it's just some friend who isn't even among your best friends, then you probably don't need to bother (if you feel you don't). I hope that makes sense.

Thanks for all the replies. I can understand in situations of abuse why there would be no reason to give explanations. With my recent group of friends I think the reasons for ending it were more that I didn't like the choices they were making. Things like increased drinking and financial irresponsibility. Now that I think about it, I do realize that they should know exactly why I withdrew.

Thanks again guys, great responses!

 For me its most difficult knowing that I'll never have a relationship with a loved one and that i need to give up, but i simply don't know how.