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The day after I talked to Stef (podcast #1380), I decided to call my mom.

The whole talk was filled with minute-long silences. I still feel afraid to speak my mind when I am talking to her. My mind is a bit foggy about it (I should have written this down right away), but I will make an effort to include as much details as I can.

 

I said ''I know this is not a pleasant topic, but I need to know the truth about it.''

She answered: ''I already told you everything I could say on that.''

Mom: ''I think you are trying to separate from the family... and I don't think I deserve this...'' *tears*

Me: ''If I wanted to separate from the family, I would not have called you. If I wanted to break ties, I could simply block your number and your e-mail, and never speak to you again. But it's not what I am doing right now.''

Silence.

Me: ''I still want to talk about how I felt during my childhood. I felt like I wasn't being listened to. After a few years, I simply stopped telling you about the bullying.''

No answer.

Me: ''I don't remember you or dad asking me how I felt about the bullying when I was young. Did you ?''

Mom: ''I did ! You just forgot a lot of things ! You don't remember much about your childhood, do you ?''

Me: '' I feel scared and disoriented now. I'm not saying it's your fault... I'm just telling you how I feel.''

Mom: ''We did everything for you. Your father and I, your grandfather and your uncle [name], we all went to your school from time to time to try and make it better for you.''

Me: ''Again... I'm just telling you how I feel. And - I'm not saying that it's true, or that you're hiding anything from me on purpose - I feel like there is something that you haven't told me. I still feel I have to learn something about all this, and that's why I am talking to you about it right now.

Mom: ''Christ... you remind me of your father when he lost his mind !'' (My father has serious mental health problems, and is currently in an institution.)

I felt extremely hurt when she said that, but I don't think I told her. Another silence.

Mom: '' And you shouldn't have told me all this right now. Your father is sick, and he is just starting to get better. I am fragile.''

UPB came to my mind at this moment.

Me: ''So, you're saying that we should be gentle with fragile people, is that right ?''

Mom: ''Yes.''

I took a deep breath, and said ''Mom, do you think that I am a fragile person ?''

Mom: ''Of course, you have been through so much at school.''

Another deep breath.

Me: ''And... during our last conversation and this one, do you think that you have talked to me like we should talk to a fragile person ?''

Mom: ''You've been brainwashed ! Everything I say you turn back on me !''

I felt tears in my eyes when she said that. I couldn't speak.

 

She started to talk about FDR for a bit and how she thinks that it could very well be a family destroying cult. She also talked about On Truth (I had sent her my French translation before the BBQ), referring to it as ''that fucking book of yours''.

 

Then, she asked: ''Jean-Filipe, I love you. Do you still love me ?''

I thought for a moment, then said: ''I still feel attachment and affection towards you.''

Mom: (sarcastically) ''Oh, what a great vocabulary you have ! Attachment... Christ...''

Another silence.

Mom: ''It's too late. I'm already in the category of ''bad relationships'' that you must get rid of.''

 

I don't think anything else important was said after that. I can't remember exactly how the conversation ended.

Later in the evening, my grandmother called me. She asked me ''you don't really want to break ties, do you ?'' and started telling me a horrible story about her being raped when she was 9 years old. I politely asked her to stop, saying that I really wasn't in the mood for this, but she still went on, so I simply hung up and blocked her from my MSN and Facebook.

 

I also had a short conversation with my brother on Facebook after this...

 

 

Brother: You sure chose the right moment, congratulations. (No need to tell you that it was sarcastic)

Me: I didn't choose the moment, it's the first thing I did when I came back from my trip and honestly, I thought that the conversation would go way better than it did. I may be because we were both emotional, and that's why I will wait a few days before contacting her again. If she is giving you a hard time because of this, [brother's name], I am really sorry.

Brother: It's not that she's giving me a hard time, it's just that I don't like to see my mother crying, that's all... But I guess it's just attachment anyway, isn't it ?

Me: I understand, and for what it's worth, I would like to say that it wasn't fun at all for me to see her cry. But do you know what was even more unpleasant ? Her telling me that I forgot a lot of things. Her comparing me to dad when he's sick. Having the impression that she was intentionally misinterpreting some of the things that I said. Being told that I've been brainwashed. Never feeling any kind of empathy or curiosity from her. I am not saying that I've been perfect during my conversation with mom. I apologised a few times when I felt that the words I had used were too strong. If you're interested, here is the conversation I've had in Ontario that led to all this: [link to #1379]

Brother: I won't answer to stay ''politically correct'', but I just wanted to tell you that, after listening to it in full, I think that it is plain and simple manipulation.

 

 

I had 2 other talks with my mother after this, and the only good thing that came out of the is that she suggested that we go see a therapist together. I will think about it, but after re-reading our conversations, I doubt anything useful could come out of it. 

Jeff Bergeron:

The whole talk was filled with minute-long silences. I still feel afraid to speak my mind when I am talking to her. My mind is a bit foggy about it (I should have written this down right away), but I will make an effort to include as much details as I can.

First of all,  

I admire your courage and persistence in the search for the truth about yourself in the face of what you have described here with this diaolgue. you say that your mind is a bit foggy about the conversation, but it seems like your understanding of the conversation is the opposite of foggy. It is difficult for me not to fog up during intense conversations, and I applaud your ability to comprehend exactly what your mother and brother mean when they say manipulative and hurtful things to you. You were able to use your understanding of UPB to find greater understanding in the midst of this conversation, and that is incredible.

 

Your honesty and openess in these conversations is breathtaking. I am so very sorry they responded the way they did. How do you feel now about the whole situation?

 Jeff, I absolutely admire your courage! Thank you for standing up for how you feel. Its what will change the world. I'm of course terribly sorry to see that your mother and brother do not see it the same way :-( .

When you stand up for the truth in yourself, who can ever tell you what you feel? What you think? What you want? Why you want it? Further, what institution could ever change your mind with a false moral argument? Most importantly, When you are open and honest about how you feel and always give your emotions their just attention, what will that show your children?

 

You, sir, are a hero. You're saving the world.

Thank you Cory, Michael and Phil for your nice words and encouragement. I really do appreciate it.

Michael.J:

Your honesty and openess in these conversations is breathtaking. I am so very sorry they responded the way they did. How do you feel now about the whole situation?

As I re-read my mother's answers, I feel more and more irritation towards her. I still cannot bring myself to feel anger, however. And I feel less and less inclined to contact her (or anyone in my family) again. I think I will wait for them to contact me, and then I'll see if I feel like answering the phone.

Jeff, I'm not sure what to say, except that I empathize with your situation. It must be very difficult. This is obviously creating a rather large gap in your relationship with various family members. It might take time, but once they see what is missing, that you stop answering... it's possible they might come around. Sometimes I fantasize about living in the 18-19th century where one just jumps aboard a ship and leaves for the sea and adventure. And when I come back, I come back to a humbled and reformed family. Perhaps that is nothing but a rediculous fantasy, but it is soooo incredibly frustrating when the ability to relate and mutually be open disapears.

Btw, this really hit home for me "Never feeling any kind of empathy or curiosity from her." I think this is an important piece of information/evidence and should n't be taken lightly.

I hope things work out. I'm sure whatever you decide will be positive in the end.

Congratulations on your bravery, although it is quite tragic...

Please keep us posted, Jeff!

that's really heartbreaking what's happening with your mother. i have to say I appreciate the courage it took to talk about this in public and then especially with your mother. I had a very similar experience in school and i'm glad you had the conversation about bullying because I think it's so important. it's a sore spot for me but not something i think about much. I can't thank you enough. you're an inspiration, even if it terrifies me to think of talking to my parents about bullying that happened to me and other legitimate complaints I have. I can feel the terror in the pit of my stomach.

I am so sorry to hear all of this, it truly is tragic, and I think only serves to reinforce the observation we talked about the other weekend that the bullying at school was only an effect of the bullying at home...

Dude, you have some giant cajones.  I deeply admire your courage and persistence and your amazing ability to remain unfogged enough to think of UPB in that conversation.  I am sorry it turned out the way it did and that she became as defensive, hurtful and insulting as she was... your brother as well.  I wish things had turned out differently for you in that conversation but I would have been quite shocked if they had.

Wow Jeff, you continue to amaze me with how brave you are.  I feel so sad reading what your mother and brother said to you.  Big hugs and let me know if you ever want to talk about this.

I don't mean to co-opt your grief or anything, but I think I can empathize to some degree.

The things described in your post are uncannily similar to my life. Everything from the responses of the maternal figures, down to being compared to my (perhaps more physically than mentally) disabled father.

And illustrative of why I don't have the balls do defoo or even engage in significant RTRing as of yet. Such typical, predictable, and yet still totally shattering responses. The guilt, the shame, the blame, and the downright weirdness they'll throw at you. Anything it takes to avoid their own shadows.

 

the things your mother said were really creepily sick, and so were the things your brother said as well. All you ever did was be honest and vulnerable, provide honest feedback and was curious about your childhood which she has knowledge about that you don't seem to be able to remember. . . She certainly doesn't act like someone who has nothing to hide. Most of all, I feel very sorry for the child you once were who had to spend day in and day out stuck with this woman.

I also think that what your grandmother did to you was nasty.

you are very courageous.

 

I am sharing links to podcasts 1379 and 1380 with my husband because he was bullied throughout school, and yet he places no accountability on his parents, the teachers, or any of the adults in his life at the time. Thank you for sharing your story, Jeff.

cherapple:

I am sharing links to podcasts 1379 and 1380 with my husband because he was bullied throughout school, and yet he places no accountability on his parents, the teachers, or any of the adults in his life at the time. Thank you for sharing your story, Jeff.

I am glad you found them helpful, and hopefully your husband will, too. However, I must say that I am not really proud of the way I was reacting in those conversations, especially 1380. It's quite painful for me to listen to myself desperately trying to defend my mother... But no matter, if those podcasts can help anyone, I am very, very happy for that.