Freedomain Radio

I have been dealing with my manipulative tendencies lately.

Last weekend something interesting happened. To make it short, there was this guy who had been told two days ago by his girlfriend that she had tested positive in HPV (vaginal herpes). THey decided to work around it, I think, because we went out together, me and my girlfriend and them. We had a very good time and the guy turned out to be really interesting to me. He is portorican and has traveled all over latin america.

On Saturday night I found the girl crying and my girlfriend took me aside and told me the whole story. I didn't know until then about the HPV thing. It turns out that they were having sex and the condom broke. The guy was out in the balcony by himself in the dark, and the girl was inside her room crying.

I went to the guy and had a private chat with him.  I tried to use logic to show to him that the best actions he could take in the moment was to remain calm and work for the friendships we all had. I told him that there was a big chance he would not test positive in the future, and that anyway he would have to wait months to know, as these thins usually are.

He was over and over saying that all he wanted was to go back to puerto rico and be with his people, the people he could trust.

We talked for a while, and I started to realize the guy just wanted an out of the situation. I do not know why (and I've been RTRing with myself on this) but I started to provide this out for him. I told him that I understood that he felt sort of betrayed by the girl. I didn't say this objectively as if the girl actually betrayed him, but I said it probing his reactions. I felt he became defensive, so I understood that he wanted an out.

I guess I was acting protecting the girl, because if this guy wanted an out after having agreed to work through the situation, then he was no good for the girl.

I told him a few things about honesty with oneself, very tangentally, and then I left him.

In the middle of the night, he packed his things and went to the airport. He left the country the next morning.

The girl was really sad the next morning. I cooked for both of them (she and my girlfriend), but did not talk much to her. I decided I would wait a few days.

When I came back to my city (this all happened in Santo Domingo) I realized that I acted with complete certainty through it all; but now I'm not sure I should have intruded into the situation and interfered.

My issue now is that I feel like I violated some Prime Directive or something, and that, at the time, I felt no hesitation. Plus, I did all of this without talking with the girl.

Please give me your wise opinions as always.

Thanks.

Victor:

I guess I was acting protecting the girl, because if this guy wanted an out after having agreed to work through the situation, then he was no good for the girl.

It might be the other way around. A possible scenario: He might've agreed out of fear, because he knew she was gonna snap at him. Maybe he wanted to leave her way before the HPV accident, and that finally gave him a "true" reason to make the move, because he might have been too afraid to RTR with her, if there was no place for honesty in the relationship. Just a guess...

Spratzaman:

It might be the other way around. A possible scenario: He might've agreed out of fear, because he knew she was gonna snap at him. Maybe he wanted to leave her way before the HPV accident, and that finally gave him a "true" reason to make the move, because he might have been too afraid to RTR with her, if there was no place for honesty in the relationship. Just a guess...

I guess you're right. Dishonest relationships are the norm. I still have the question about my actions in this matter.

I think I acted instinctively. My actions were aligned with the facts of the situation and the outcome came out well. But I think I was dishonest to the girl by having intruded without her approval. In all, I feel good about how things turned out, but I worry that I might do the same again, in the same automatic mode, and that time things turn to the worst.

What do you think?

I don't know, man. It doesn't seem like a bad thing to me. After all, they were the ones who had to make a choice, and you didn't intrude telling the dude to do this or that, you just talked to him.

Kinda offtopic: is it just me, or is Genital Herpes a new thing? I first heard about it 2 years ago. I thought it was some made up disease to make people buy new preventative medicines. It's pretty scary shit, and I was surprised I hadn't heard of it yet.

 I don't know that my opinion is wise, but.........

Victor:

When I came back to my city (this all happened in Santo Domingo) I realized that I acted with complete certainty through it all;

I think you went with your intuition on this. You probably knew how this would turn out without being conscious of it. Also you did tell him to be honest with himself. His actions were, even if his reasons were not. Better now, than to falsely continue the relationship. I think you handled the situation well, he did not. At least with you and your girlfriend being there, it seems less likely that it could escalate into something hurtful.

Victor:

The girl was really sad the next morning. I cooked for both of them (she and my girlfriend), but did not talk much to her. I decided I would wait a few days.

I don't know that I would say anything to her, if I were you, unless she asks. I don't know if she knows that you know about her condition. You might check with your girlfriend if her friend knows that you were told.

I think you did good and that you should just let it go.

Spratzaman:

Kinda offtopic: is it just me, or is Genital Herpes a new thing? I first heard about it 2 years ago. I thought it was some made up disease to make people buy new preventative medicines. It's pretty scary shit, and I was surprised I hadn't heard of it yet

Actually the term HPV means to me Human Papiloma Virus or genital warts. HS2 or Herpes Simplex 2 is the original Herpes or "cold sores" in a new location on the body. I'm sure I don't need to spell out how. It was the next big VD, or STDs they are now called, before HIV came along in the '80s. Dying is bigger news than itchy blisters.