Freedomain Radio

I had an argument with one of my friends yesterday and I'm feeling pretty confused by the whole thing.   It started out me questioning about her mother a little bit.  She received a call from her mother, and her mother told her she was planning to move out to where my friend was in maybe a year.

(Her mother came to her wedding the weeek before)  

This, understandably, made her feel some anxiety.  

[Without going into detail: my friend had an incredibly violent childhood.]  

I asked my her how she felt about that and she responded with something like:

"God, if she tries to move out here I'm going to cut her up into little pieces and feed her to the vultures".  She said it with humor.  I tried to question her more deeply about it but she just kept coming back with, nothing.  Violently humorous ideas.  Moving & leaving her new husband behind.   Just staying away from her.  I kept trying to get her feelings about it but she just kept throwing stuff like that at me.  

Then the conversation moved on to other things.  Then I got scared.  

We started talking about the elections, the iraq war, violence, and children.  

I'm don't remember all the arguments I made.  I do know that I made them poorly and not so eloquently.   I felt pretty intimidated by her enthusiasm.   She said that she wanted to vote for John Mccain because he had told another senator to go fuck himself.  She thought that was badass.  And because he wanted to stay in iraq.  She agreed that going to war was wrong.  But she also said that if we left now, things would get worse.  That we needed to stay and help rebuild so that they won't hate us anymore.  I asked her if she knew anything about how the reconstruction was going, and she said no.  I think what she was trying to say(but wouldn't say it out loud, or think it consciously) that we needed to beat down the Iraqis until they don't want to fight anymore.   This moved on to how fucked up the government was.  She acknowledged that things were bad, when I asked her how she thought we should fix things she said something like "How the hell should I know, I'm not a politician". 

We talked a little more about government and she espoused the founding fathers and freedom of speech, and how its great to live here instead of Britain where they have no protected speech. *

I couldn't think up of anything to say to this really.  I was in somewhat in a state of shock by this point.  Up till then I had thought that she would be receptive to libertarian ideas.   I can't think of any reasons why I thought this.  I just felt it.  

The conversation moved on to violence where I made some very poor arguments against the use of it.  Then we moved on to children somehow.  I argued that children were born moral and empathic.  She argued that children had to be taught how not to be violent.  

Again, I didn't argue any of this very well.  

*Something occurred to me though while we were talking.  I felt very weird, scared, and confused when I thought this. 

She's talking about her family. 

[I need to re-listen to the podcasts on this topic.]

At the end of the conversation I felt very disturbed.  Strange.  Upset.  Confused.  I felt that when she was advocating violence it had something to do with her family.  I felt it in a way that I didn't know I could feel at.  It was a "behind the locked door" thought.  Something subconscious that I didn't know about until it presented itself.  The other disturbing thing that I realized was that she was in a bright cheery mood throughout the whole conversation.  Even when we were talking about the most horrific things.  

I've been on FDR for...since last november.  I DEFOO'ed finally about a month and a half ago.   I've gained a lot through FDR.  I've broken free of my family.  I've learned a lot of new things about myself.   But after the conversation with my friend I don't feel that I've learned very much at all.  

Its incredibly hard for me to remember things and form coherent thoughts in my own head.   I think this is because I have Complex PTSD.  Its incredibly difficult for me to learn and remember things.   I've read UPB 3 times now and I still don't understand it.  It just gives me a headache.  The argument I had with my friend was horribly difficult for me to follow.  

 When I was talking with her I kept trying to form cogent arguments, and they kept falling to pieces whenever I tried to voice them.  I was talking by  feel mostly.   I would like to talk with her some more, but I really can't.  I think one of the things that this conversation helped me with is that I don't know as much as I thought I did.  

Right now I feel scared of her.  I feel nervous.  I feel anxiety.  I feel like I want to de-friend.

I don't know what I want to ask for except insight.  My feelings and thoughts are bouncing all over the place.  

Evan:

Right now I feel scared of her.  I feel nervous.  I feel anxiety.  I feel like I want to de-friend.

What do you think would happen if you were open and honest with your friend and told her exactly what you were feeling?

If I told her I was shocked, surprised, and a little scared at some of the opinions she voiced to me yesterday...I think she would just mock my feelings.   

"Someone's being Mr. Sensitive today"  

or maybe just a long drawn out and sarcastic OK.   

Nothing positive would come of it I think.

Evan:

If I told her I was shocked, surprised, and a little scared at some of the opinions she voiced to me yesterday...I think she would just mock my feelings.   

"Someone's being Mr. Sensitive today"  

or maybe just a long drawn out and sarcastic OK.   

 

Nothing positive would come of it I think.

Maybe you should try being honest about your feelings, so you have certainty over how she will react to what you say, and if she responds by continuously mocking your feelings, perhaps you'll know everything you need to know about this person and whether or not you want her in your life.

Yes, I think thats what I'm going to do.