Freedomain Radio

 Hello all!

I haven't been on the board for quite a while, and I wanted to update you all on a few things that I'm realizing for myself that might ring true for some of you. It's where I have been and currently am within the topic of personal finances. I haven't heard any pod casts on the subject, but I am going in order, so I'm sure it will come up eventually... nor have I come across any posts as of yet, but it's entirely likely that it has been talked about. 

I have been, for pretty much my entire life, pretty poor, financially speaking. (Not to do with what I possess using the money I have had.) My childhood financial preparedness in entering into the world was pretty much nonexistent. Although I'm quite aware that my choices now are my responsibility, it's helpful to note that my father taught me nothing about finances... just said, "You must save" with no real model as to why or how. (Being told as a child that Jesus was coming back within my lifetime was no help in knowing why saving money was a good idea either.) My mother was quite a bit more open to letting me know what she was doing financially, but what I learned from her, I wish I hadn't. She has been in debt most of her life, although she makes a pretty good living.

So getting back to my current situation, I've realized that my financial life is in shambles, and taking that seriously led me to getting another job to pay down debt and also have another avenue of financial support for myself, other than my mother's business (which has been my job for the past 5 years or so.) Although I do get paid well from her, I always feel guilty asking for what's owed to me, precisely because I do know where my mother is financially, and that’s partly due to her giving my brother money, probably because my brother has a child, and I'm sure she wants to make sure she's always on his good side in order to see my nephew freely. She also always wants to buy my sister and I nice things. This always puts me in a hard position because I know she can’t afford it, but I also would feel bad to not accept the gift. (I need to think about this aspect a bit more. I just thought of this now.)

I've found and listed some problems with the way that I deal with my money that have caused my financial situation to a large degree.

1) I've never felt as if I deserved money, even if I’ve earned it.

I think this stems to the notion of a low sense of self worth. I'm sure this has to do with the way I was treated when I was young; never being able to do enough to be valued, rarely getting what I truly wanted (emotional wants/needs as well), and always having to compromise in order to 'help the family' survive. I'm sure my need and wants got in the way of what the family needs. (My father’s needs and the family’s needs were synonymous, of course.) My mother spent herself into oblivion trying to give us things she couldn't afford to "make up" for what my father would not give (this is what she says), or to try and win our affections over my father. There was always the worry in my family that if you gave children something they wanted, they would always ask more of you or expect it next time. But giving almost nothing except the bare minimum (roof over the child's head and food in their belly), a reward would be a big surprise and you would be heavily praised for your 'generosity' with even the smallest of gifts (i.e. ice cream). This also led me to feel that those who got/had more than I did were hoarders, brats, selfish and undeserving. My father directly taught this to me, and I most assuredly applied that to others around me to ward off my own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, even when I was quite young. I was often extremely jealous of other children in school.

2) Buying things before I had earned the money.

Feeling as though I always had some lack has probably led me to being frivolous with my money, which has taken me into debt. I'd buy things feeling that I deserved them without having earned the money to pay for them, putting myself in an unfavorable position financially. I felt as if these things would make me feel richer, which is also tied to the illusion that something outside yourself will somehow make you happier.

3) Bad decisions regarding "charity".

I would often lend money I didn't have to people that probably needed money because they were doing the same thing I was doing. I felt like helping others financially would create a resource that I could at one time lend from if I was in a pinch. (Again, very much an illusion of financial security.) Also, when people would offer to pay for the other person’s half of a meal, I would turn them down, even if I didn't have the money to be paying for their meal as well. Also, when someone would want to pay me back for money they had borrowed, I'd ask "Are you sure?" and find reasons why they should maybe wait. I also wanted to feel some sort of power over them, so I could have the illusion of feeling in control in the relationship and thought that they couldn't possibly hurt me if they owed me something. Manipulating or causing guilt in someone so they won’t hurt me is certainly not where I want to be in any of my relationships.

And the ultimate reason for my financial troubles...

NOT ADHEREING TO REALITY IN PERSONAL FINANCE

When I feel guilty for accepting money I earned, look into why I'm feeling guilty, work on it, talk about it, and learn something about myself from it. When I don't have the money, I can't spend it. When I don't look into my own motives for loaning money, as well as the other person and their choices that led to needing to ask for it, don't lend or give money away.

I'm feeling very inspired and empowered with some serious and honest introspection on this topic and starting to move slowly in the right direction with action and some new boundaries for myself. The weight of financial burden causes so much stress, and I'm seeing that I have been putting myself in this spot since I first entered the workforce.

I'm sure these are not amazingly brilliant conclusions, but this is certainly something I've struggled with greatly. Ffinding the reasons why I would continue my habits has helped a lot in being conscious of the habits/choices when they're about to be replayed. I'd love to hear feedback and/or criticism and if there are any suggestions of how you've helped yourself and what worked for you… that would be of great use.

Much Respect,

Crystal

Hello Crystal, and welcome back to the boards, great to hear from you again!

I don't think that those are average or redundant insights at all, but rather great illuminations off the challenges that we all have to 1 degree or another with regards to money, and particularly with the concept of abundance as a whole...

There are not a lot of podcasts on personal finance, but I thought that the two below might be of interest to you, since they touch on these subjects in some detail.

http://www.freedomainradio.com/Traffic_Jams/FDR_934_Family_and_Money.mp3

http://www.freedomainradio.com/Traffic_Jams/FDR_1091_Money_Debt_Freedom_Conference.mp3

 Thanks Stef... I'll certainly listen to those pod casts.

Also, another thing that has helped me to realize that I was not being fair to myself in regards to money is the way you explained why donating is an important part of freeing the true self, as well for Freedomain, not only because of the costs that are associated with the board and equipment, but because you were working hard at providing a value for those of us that listen. It got me thinking about where in my life I'm not demanding the value I create be acknowledged in a practical and real way. Compliments don't pay the bills! It's helped me by giving me a model that I can reproduce in my own life free of the false-self, what it does to your sense of self worth, and how that translates into personal finance.

Many thanks!

Interesting post, thanks for sharing.  I think you can get a lot of insight about yourself/others if you look at what money does in your life.  For a lot of people it's more taboo to discuss money than sex, which tells you that there's a lot of good material in there.

The first thing that came to my mind while reading your post was the "charity" part.  These may have already occurred to you, but I wanted to share some ideas on paying for dinners in case they're helpful.  It might be

1)  a way of trying to please people and gain their admiration/approval/friendship

2)  a way to avoid conflict or a difficult/awkward discussion

I'm not saying that those are your reasons, but they would be mine.

I don't have much in the way of suggestions on how to handle the budget, other than to track your spending and expenses and look at the numbers periodically.

Fortunately (or, not really...) the "I'm not worthy" feeling that you mention has helped to keep my expenses somewhat low.  I've not lived in luxury or overdone the nights/dinners/trips with friends.  However, that's not because I'm managing my expenses - it's because of fear, etc.