Freedomain Radio

Howdy folks!

It's been a long time since I wrote an original post rather than just responding to somebody. I wanted to update everyone on my personal situation in case you were interested and also to get some feedback from the community. I have really enjoyed helping people and now I must ask for your help.

The situation: I'm a 28 yr old with Spina Bifida living with my parents while trying to get my masters in psychology. I've had lots of issues with my family and would have defooed already if not for my disability, lack of job, and my education. I am so close to getting my Masters degree and know that a Masters degree in applied psychology can get me some great jobs if i stick with it, and my family gives financial support at the cost of putting up with emotional bullying and other issues.

The other option I thought of is to cut my education short by getting a job and moving in with a room mate (which may be difficult given my disability and that I live in a small city). This would allow me to see a therapist because my parents refuse to let me see a therapist and refuse to pay for one if I did go to one.

I am wondering if there are other options that I am not seeing right now? I'm sure there are tons of things I can do to get around these obstacles, just seems very frustrating to me at the moment.

I don't know if this applies to you and your situation but my university offers free therapy services to active students (something I recently started taking advantage of). Perhaps you could schedule some sessions around your classes and your foo would be none the wiser. Good luck!

ianchin:

I don't know if this applies to you and your situation but my university offers free therapy services to active students (something I recently started taking advantage of). Perhaps you could schedule some sessions around your classes and your foo would be none the wiser. Good luck!

My university offers something like that as well. The last time I tried that I got somebody who felt they were not competent to help me with my situation. I'll try again when I start taking classes soon.

Isn't something better than nothing, at the very least? That is, unless you have a therapist that's going to actively push forgiveness on you.

JC Hewitt:

Isn't something better than nothing, at the very least? That is, unless you have a therapist that's going to actively push forgiveness on you.

 Right, I for sure don't want that kind of therapist. But I at least want a therapist that feels competent he/she can help me with my unique situation.

Joey,

I just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you in your struggle. I am actually shocked at the cruelty of parents who would unequivocally refuse therapy to a child with a considerable physical challenge.

I am curious as to how close you are to completing your Masters degree. My sister is a psychology major, and it is my understanding that many jobs in the field do need a Masters degree. In your circumstance, it might be possible to take out student loans for the remainder of your education, especially since there is a very good chance that you will be able to pay off the loans quite quickly. These loans can also cover housing, and my sister was even able to get enough extra money from her loans to live off-campus in an apartment with roommates. I'm not entirely sure what the situation is at your school, but this may be a possibility to at least get out of the house. I had a few moral issues around borrowing the stolen government funds for my own education, but I rationalized it with the idea that you need to start putting out the largest fires in your life before taking out the small ones.

Also, maybe look into scholarships as a possible source to finish up your education. I know there isn't as much money floating around for adult students, but it is worth a shot at least. I believe there exist scholarships dedicated to those who have overcome physical adversity, and this may be something you could consider.

I get the impression from your post that there might be some fog that comes up when you think about moving out on your own, possibly only because this is my own experience. Until I came across philosophy, my confidence had been so crushed that the very idea of supporting myself caused a short-circuit in my brain as this seemed utterly impossible.  I would be curious to hear how your family dealt with failure and imperfections.

Good luck my friend, and keep us posted as to what happens.

Jason

hey Joey,

Just in case you don't get enough positive feedback on the boards I just wanted to let you know what a positive and wonderful experience I have had reading your posts. If you do decide to stick with it and you find the means of finishing your degree I have absolutely no doubt you will be a fantastic therapist.

Dave

Joey! Big hugs to you! 28 years is a long time to be surrounded by family and school; you are truely a strong person. When I think about you I have trouble imagining anything but great success for you.

It sounds like from your post you feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. You mentioned that the situation frustrates you which I really feel for you. How do you feel about the two options you put forward? What is your emotional response if say the one or the other was your only option? Are you excited about either? I get the impression that both are not too appealing to you? Has something recently happened to bring you to a tipping point? it sounds like you are ready to reject your plan out of frustration with your parents...understandable of course but why now specifically do you think?

Jason:

I just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you in your struggle. I am actually shocked at the cruelty of parents who would unequivocally refuse therapy to a child with a considerable physical challenge.

Thanks Jason, I've realized that it doesn't matter how unfortunate the circumstances you find yourself in, cruel people will still try to bother you. It's something I've had to deal with in my family, at school, and other areas of my life.

Jason:

I am curious as to how close you are to completing your Masters degree. My sister is a psychology major, and it is my understanding that many jobs in the field do need a Masters degree.

This semester I am taking a research course that will prepare me for my thesis and then in the Spring semester I will have my thesis. Not sure how long it will take but hopefully in a few months.

Jason:

In your circumstance, it might be possible to take out student loans for the remainder of your education, especially since there is a very good chance that you will be able to pay off the loans quite quickly. These loans can also cover housing, and my sister was even able to get enough extra money from her loans to live off-campus in an apartment with roommates. I'm not entirely sure what the situation is at your school, but this may be a possibility to at least get out of the house. I had a few moral issues around borrowing the stolen government funds for my own education, but I rationalized it with the idea that you need to start putting out the largest fires in your life before taking out the small ones.

My parents paid for this semester, as they have others, and will probably pay for the next if I cannot find a job soon. Just an update for everyone: there is a potential job oppening that requires somebody with a specialization in psych that I have. I am going to try for that job and see if I can get it. Saving some money from that may allow me to pay for my own education and perhaps moving in with a room mate much sooner than planned.

Jason:

I get the impression from your post that there might be some fog that comes up when you think about moving out on your own, possibly only because this is my own experience. Until I came across philosophy, my confidence had been so crushed that the very idea of supporting myself caused a short-circuit in my brain as this seemed utterly impossible.  I would be curious to hear how your family dealt with failure and imperfections.

I think you are correct. I have had a lot of emotional issues come up for me when it comes to moving out and it is more than just the possibility of not wanting to see my family anymore. I've talked it over with Stef and others about some of the big obstacles that I face when moving out and the self-limiting thoughts from my parents that I have as it concerns living on my own.

Jason:

Good luck my friend, and keep us posted as to what happens.

Thanks Jason, I really do appreciate it.

bockman:

hey Joey,

Just in case you don't get enough positive feedback on the boards I just wanted to let you know what a positive and wonderful experience I have had reading your posts. If you do decide to stick with it and you find the means of finishing your degree I have absolutely no doubt you will be a fantastic therapist.

Dave

Thanks Dave, although my area of psychology is more applied than clinical/therapeutic (lots of people mistake that). The advantage of being an applied psych is you get to do more research and work with statistics and do fun things like program evaluations, etc. I don't have too much experience with clinical psychology and the advantage of clinical psych is that you could open up a clinic somewhere with the right amount of training and working in the field. Applied psych is hard to find jobs, especially in a small where I live, but they are out there. Earlier in this thread I talked about a particular job that I think could use my specialized expertise IF I can get that job. That's aobut the only job opening I could find that did not have anything to do with oil field work or some other kind of manual labor.

nedsferatu:

Joey! Big hugs to you! 28 years is a long time to be surrounded by family and school; you are truely a strong person. When I think about you I have trouble imagining anything but great success for you.

Thanks

nedsferatu:

It sounds like from your post you feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. You mentioned that the situation frustrates you which I really feel for you. How do you feel about the two options you put forward? What is your emotional response if say the one or the other was your only option? Are you excited about either? I get the impression that both are not too appealing to you? Has something recently happened to bring you to a tipping point? it sounds like you are ready to reject your plan out of frustration with your parents...understandable of course but why now specifically do you think?

Well, I have been doing the first option of sticking with my parents and letting them pay for the education. If I can find a job and get an even better job with a Masters degree it would really help matters. I still get frightened thinking about living on my own since I've been living with my parents for so long. This is likely due to my parents' doubts and not mine. Quite frankly either direction is very intimidating for me given it's new territory and comes with many risks.

And yes, something did happen recently which has pushed me to go looking for a job. It is mostly my mother who getting more delusional in her Catholic religion and otherwise she has always bullied me around with various emotional tactics. She also has had a history of drinking, which combined with her anti-depression meds it makes her very unstable. This tends to happen only twice out of the year but it still rattles me.

My dad is a religious nut and an accomplice to her since he did marry such an abusive woman. I have RTRed with them several times and I just get crushed every single time. So now I'm hoping a job and my Masters degree will help me find some independence or at least give me some room to which to work with. 

I figure getting a job is the natural thing to do after my schooling is over so I am trying to get a job now and start earning some savings and when I get my Masters I can then find jobs, and hopefully some place that is far away from here.

I hope all that answered your questions, Ned. As always, thank you so much for your help.

Joey:

And yes, something did happen recently which has pushed me to go looking for a job. It is mostly my mother who getting more delusional in her Catholic religion and otherwise she has always bullied me around with various emotional tactics. She also has had a history of drinking, which combined with her anti-depression meds it makes her very unstable. This tends to happen only twice out of the year but it still rattles me.

ooo, yeah. I have catholic parents too. Catholics do crazy like none other. This sounds like a scary situation. This sort of gives me an idea on how much you fear moving out on your own. It seems like if you have doubts that those fears are entirely your own (which i think you are probably right that they are not) I think that might be a great place for introspection. Do you feel like living with these people is less risky than living with roommates or on your own? I don't know much about your disability so I'm honestly curious if this level of fear is rational in your opinion (added onto all the unrelated fears of moving out of course).

Joey:

I have RTRed with them several times and I just get crushed every single time.

It would make sense to me that this would also be a tipping point reason for your immediate desire to get away from these people as well. This tells me that you are done with trying to save your relationship with your parents, so it must be agony to continue to have to interact with them daily. Do you feel empathy towards yourself being in this situation? I get the impression that you don't or at least as much as you could. Empathy for yourself could be a crucial tool for you to break out.

Joey:

I figure getting a job is the natural thing to do after my schooling is over so I am trying to get a job now and start earning some savings and when I get my Masters I can then find jobs, and hopefully some place that is far away from here.

 

I am always a big fan of working as a way to increase my freedom and thus my overall happiness. There's something about being compensated for hard work and supporting myself that brings a smile to my face. No matter what the job is I just get this incredable sense of pride and strength in myself. Honestly. I wish you much luck in finding a job and I hope you have similar experience of power when you cash those paychecks.

 Arrghh, I had a long reply to your post but there were errors and I clicked the X too soon thinking I had submitted it. Let's try this again.

Ned, I do have fears of living on my own or with room mates. I am certain now that I can reasonablly safe if I take precautions. I think the rationale I was using before was the "better the devil you know" kind of thinking.

As for self-empathy, I lacked a lot of self-empathy before which I think lead to me attacking myself for not having enough control over my situation, which is irrational. After talking with the community some more I do have enough self empathy where I feel I can at least get a job and start planning on moving out. I do agree that self empathy is crucial here. Spending so many years with people who have, implicitly or explicitly, made me feel helpless is very hard to overcome.

Hopefully I'll feel more empowered once I land a job somewhere. My experience with career choices and jobs is not very positive (talked about on a different thread) so I will have to overcome that as I search for a job.

oh i hate that when i lose a post or an email! really makes you want to just give up on the reply entirely doesn't it!

That all makes sense to me and I think pursuing sort of a hybrid plan between the two options is a good way to go. Good luck with the job search. I don't know why it is but I think this community has huge experience and expertise at finding jobs. I'll be happy to read resumes, cover letters etc for you if you want.

How do you feel now about your plans as compared to when you wrote the post?

Nedsferatu:

How do you feel now about your plans as compared to when you wrote the post?

I'd certainly like to thank everyone here, including you, for giving me support during all this. I am feeling confident again and ready to try. Of course, I still have an uncertain future ahead of me and plenty of obstacles to overcome.

I'll keep everyone updated when I can.