Freedomain Radio

My name is Risa - like Lisa but with an R (though there is a variety of amusing pronunciations). 

I was introduced to this forum, and much of the insight that Mr. Stefan Molyneux has to offer by way of my husband, a poster that you might have seen sporadically throughout here - James T. Roy. 

Like many, I suppose, I came from a family that was semi-religious, loving, but unknowingly abusive, though I can say my sister did most of the damage to my psyche that I'm still trying to recover from (case of major depression for a few years there).

I experimented with several religions throughout my childhood and teenage years, sheerly out of a sense of curiosity, but perhaps rooted from some warped sense of hopelessness.  No real sense of foundation or structure, so to speak. That all ended when I essentially found myself to be an atheist by the time I was probably thirteen or fourteen, simply because nothing else really seemed logical to me. 

Politically, my family was very, very liberal.  I've got some pretty hardcore activists and politicians in the family, though I don't generally care to associate much with them.  James had a lot to do with opening my eyes to the harsh realities of the world, and just how skewed my own family's perception is, and I'm at a point now where I don't even know what I could call myself.  Mr. Molyneux has certainly helped with pointing me in a preferable direction, however.

Oh, and I tend to be a little inhibited about speaking before the eyes of so many, nervous and lacking confidence around those I tend to respect and admire.  I guess you could call it a major inferiority complex, as I'm constantly second guessing my own words (you don't wanna know how many times I backspaced and rewrote this post).  Heh.  However, I'm here to try and change that, but I guess I wanted to issue a preemptive apology if I seem a little intimidated.  I loosen up once you get to know me, and I am confident that I'll finally find some intelligent and like-minded people here, a refreshing change from the kinds of people I (and likely most everyone else) am subjected to on a daily basis.

Hey Risa, great to have you with us, and nice to meet James's wife, I have enjoyed his contributions, and look forward to yours...

What happened when you were depressed? What brought it on, and how did you recover?

Stefan Molyneux:

Hey Risa, great to have you with us, and nice to meet James's wife, I have enjoyed his contributions, and look forward to yours...

What happened when you were depressed? What brought it on, and how did you recover?

It's an honor to speak with you, and to share the details of my depression!  Heh.

After an abusive relationship (really just the tip of the iceberg from dealing with my family life), I slowly fell into a pretty deep rut, though I had ended my relationship, and became involved with James a little while after.  There were perpetual feelings of worthlessness, no motivation to really improve my life in any way, very much a 'what's the point?' mentality.  I felt like I deserved to be punished for who I was, and it got to the point where I couldn't work, I stopped taking care of myself, barely got off the couch or out of bed, crying spells, periods of suicidal thoughts... basically a text book case, not to mention the other problems it spawned, primarily with severe anxiety issues.

It went on for a good three years, and to this day, I occasionally find myself in amazement that I really made it out alive, pardon the dramatics.

James helped a great deal, though it took him a good while to finally convince me that there was, in fact, a problem that I was in serious denial of, and with his support, I finally sought professional treatment. 

Here's where I become a little torn over the subsequent events and how I really came to get better.  I was put on several different kinds of medication, most of them just making me physically sick, really.  Many of them just made me feel like a zombie, on the other hand.  There was still every ounce of the inner turmoil, but now I couldn't outwardly emote.  Wellbutrin was probably the best of the bunch and, after about three months or so, I finally regained a sense of appreciation for life, with James' help.  The whole time he was trying to induct me into a new way of thinking, sharing philosophies about the value of life and such, and after a while, it started to make sense.  Medication?  Or was I finally giving up my dogmatic hold on everything I'd been taught?

The interesting part of this recovery, however, is that the better I got, the more I realized that I might not have been as clinically sick, so to speak, as I thought I had been.  So much of it, as disturbing as it is, had become nothing more than a security blanket, I was learning.  Misery had gotten comfortable after a while, and I had been letting myself perpetuate my own illness, afraid of what sort of responsibilities, emotional and otherwise, came with change. 

Of course, I still struggle with it.  Those tendencies to be down on myself still kick me in the face from time to time, and I have moments where I want nothing more than to just sink back in.  At this point, I know I can't, though.  I'd be making a conscious choice to be ill, and as someone working toward gaining self-respect, that's about the worst thing I could do.

Wow, that is a harrowing tale, and I don't consider it overdramatic at all. I read once where a sufferer from depression said that he would rather have his legs amputated then go through another bout. "Soul sickness," for want of a better phrase, can be worse than any physical ailment that still leaves you alive. My father has also suffered from severe depression on and off throughout his adult life, culminating in institutionalization, ECT and suicide attempts.

I would say that because of the strong history of mental illness on both sides of my family -- more environmental than genetic, I would say -- I felt philosophy, psychology and self-knowledge to be a necessity, not an option or a hobby. Sort of like if your family has a history of heart disease, eating well and exercising is more of a necessity than an option.

I am also not surprised that your medication did very little for you -- scientifically and statistically, antidepressant medications are virtually worthless, often performing worse than the placebo effect.

I am very glad to hear that you are out of the woods (I had my own bout, for 18 months, though more with insomnia than depression, which culminated in FDR, and no relapses since). It has been my experience that with self-knowledge and philosophy, you gain a buoyancy that resists the real depths of depression...

 I didn't get a chance to welcome you yesterday so I'll just do it today. I am very happy that I could convince you to give FDR a try. I think it will help you to make the changes that you want for yourself in life and you know that I am always here for you. As you have probably already noticed the group here is very friendly and genuinely interested in helping each other. I hope this turns out to be as good an experience for you as I think it will be.

A welcome from me as well,

It's tough to get a bird's eyes view from your family of origin, since you have no reference material. Stefan (he usually does not get too angry if you call him by his first name ) can help digging out a lot of stuff from your history and put it in perspective.

Hi Risa,

Welcome from a new member. I was very moved after reading about your challenge with depression, your husband James' support throughout that time, and then seeing him post to welcome you on your intro thread. Pleased to meet you.

Thank you all very, very much.  I'll admit I felt a little inhibited about just dropping my story on all of you, but your responses have made me feel very welcome, and it's so appreciated.  I can't even express how much, since most of the people I've known in my life have been... er... less than receptive about my mental difficulties, to put it nicely.  This is such a welcome change.

Thank you, pcrs.  I know it would be a daunting challenge for me, but I do look forward to Stefan's (as well as everyone else's) assistance and perspectives on these rather sore issues. 

I've improved greatly from my worst days with depression, but there is still much to work out, and for once... I feel comfortable enough to get it all out there and do what I need to do to continue on my path to better health.  And, of course, to offer my own perspectives and experience to those that might find it useful.  

Also, hello, Omid.  It's a pleasure to meet you, and a warm welcome to you, as well!  Thank you for your kind words.  James is one awesome guy.  Saved my life, for all intents and purposes.  Or, at least, pointed me to the right path for saving myself.  Heh.  Am I cheesy or what? 

 I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but my lovely wife did a show on depression which might be of interest to you...

http://www.freedomainradio.com/Traffic_Jams/FDR_216_freedomain_radio_4th_call_in_Apr_30_06_Depression.mp3

She also touched on it in one of the "ask a therapist" shows: http://www.freedomainradio.com/Traffic_Jams/FDR_469_Ask_A_Therapist_2.mp3