yurface:
I'm obviously speaking just for myself.
well i'm prbly whining and crap which is the impression i get from my last post, but i really don't know how to define life w/o rage and conflict and unessecary suffereing. Thats pretty much all i've felt since the first time someone told me to do something "just because" and would abuse me for violating something that had no proof and calling me an evil stupid kid. I don't know how to put it. I hated school but everyday pay parents made me go despite never giving a good reason. So existence became suffereing and i just put up with it while getting more depressed every boring, consecutive year When i wasn't in school i would be in a bad moos and fight with my parents and when they punished me i'd fight with my brother. Eventually i started to hang out with other kids but the only way we ever had fun was when we were breaking stuff or stealing, or humiliating other people. But it was preferable to doing much else, because at least it wasn't subject to scrutiny by my parents who would become cold if i ever failed at anything. And that was it for about 16 years. What do i do now? Idk but the last thing i can do is wonder how an ideal world would be because this statist ammoral world is the only one i experienced. In all my formative years i didn't experience much else but brute force as a way to conduct your life. Safe to say i was a complete statist to the extent i wanted the entire world to adopt chhina's one child policy and thensome. it just seems at the least very difficult to imagine a free world
Man, I'm sorry for what you've gone through and I wish nobody had to go through that. I think I get your point when you say you can\t imagine a free world. You probably have no reference to do that. In fact, we all have very little reference to accurately describe what has never existed. All we can do is take little examples and project them large.
I'll tell you a bit about myself, perhaps this helps. I had my own group of selfdestructive friends. We didn't steal or brake stuff. What we did was chase after girls all the time. It was more about humiliating girls and using them. A lot of alcohol and swearing. But whenever I got the chance I would get to daydreaming about a future where I didn't need that.
Daydreams would be of me rich so I wouldn't have to do much to work hard at getting the girls, or so that I didn't have to work after a hangover. Daydreams of me famous so that girls were in fact after me.
Today I've located the origins of many of these false desires of mine. I've started to daydream of me free. Me with a family or me with friends. Sometimes it hurts when I do that, and I can only imagine health where I've realized I've been hurm. It's like I go and study one of my wounds, say it's in my leg, and after that I imagine myself once I'm rid of that wound and I can walk streight again. If I'm asked why I walk hunched I get all antious and avoid the topic. I go home and realize I have another wound in my back. I study it carefully, suck on some of the pain and then imagine myself free of that would and walking with my back streight.
I have many wounds still, and some I think there's no way for me to realize they are there on my own. I need therapy. But it's impossible to even begin to look at your wounds when you are next to those who have inflicted them. You cannot examine a wound while your abuser is still poking a stick through it.
When you get away, when you begin to be you, I hope you'll be able to imagine a free world.
My email is victor0440@hotmail.com Maybe I can help. Keep coming to the board. It really helps a lot.
Good luck.
I won't let go of past me, but rather invite him to chill at my birthday.