Freedomain Radio

Hello Mom and Dad,

Over the past couple of months I have been doing a lot of self-evaluation.  I am seeing that there are a few aspects of my life that I am unsatisfied with.  One of these aspects includes my relationship with you.  I am requesting time apart from you and the family, including loan payments, to sort out why I have conflicted feelings about our relationship. It is essential for my growth and well-being that I allow myself to analyze our history and current relationship objectively.  I can't provide you with any sort of timeline of when you might hear from me.  I am basically writing you so that you won't worry when you don't hear from me.  Please respect my request that you do not contact me.


Sincerely,

Marisa

Why do you owe them an explanation? Why do you owe them the management of their worry?

I don't beleive I owe them anything.  This letter is being sent to simplify the withdrawal process.  If I explain this once, hopefully they will not call me.

Also, thanks for the feedback! :)

buffygeek:

I don't beleive I owe them anything.  This letter is being sent to simplify the withdrawal process.  If I explain this once, hopefully they will not call me.

But my friend... you tell them you're writing the letter for them. So they won't worry. You're telling them you care about them and their feelings. I read the letter... hearing almost a conciliatory tone.

Perhaps I'm not understanding, or reading the letter incorrectly.

Can I ask what's led you to want to deFOO now?

Basically, it started with a big fight with my dad.  He was very hurtful and verbally abusive.  I realized that I wouldn't accept that kind of abuse from anyone else and started to question why I repeatedly forgave him.  This kind of led me to really look at my childhood and I was shocked at all of the horrifying memories I had that I had totally rationalized into normalcy.  I realized both of my parents have been extremely abusive my whole life, made worse by their denial of the past.  My parents are not people I want in my life.

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened, of course.

So, let's take the letter line by line.

Over the past couple of months I have been doing a lot of self-evaluation.  I am seeing that there are a few aspects of my life that I am unsatisfied with.  One of these aspects includes my relationship with you.

Do they need to know this? It's obvious you've been doing some self-evaluation, yes. Am not sure what this adds to the letter, though.

I am requesting time apart from you and the family, including loan payments, to sort out why I have conflicted feelings about our relationship.

Your parents have been extremely abusive all your life. And... you are unsure why you're conflicted? Obviously, you're not. Why then tell them that you are? It certainly eases the burden on them. Can I ask about the loan payments? You're tied to your parents in some financial dealings, I take it?

It is essential for my growth and well-being that I allow myself to analyze our history and current relationship objectively.

It absolutely is. But again, why justify your actions to them?

I can't provide you with any sort of timeline of when you might hear from me.  I am basically writing you so that you won't worry when you don't hear from me. Please respect my request that you do not contact me.

But they will "worry." They know what this letter is. Nothing you say - assuming that your parents are abusers who completely deny the past - is going to prevent them from "worrying" their victim is getting away. I hate to say this, my friend... but I can think of no one who has deFOOed and not received contact from their parents. If your parents are abusers and if they deny the past, and if they set you up to rationalize and explain away their every crime... why are they going to take your preferences into account now?

I'm sorry for being so terribly annoying, and asking so many questions. But if you don't owe them anything... don't give them anything.

again, Marisa.

Hmmm, interesting.  I agree that I don't owe them anything and I'm open to the possibility of not sending them anything.  But I feel like the reason to send a letter is to let them know that I'm not okay with the way they treated me and I won't allow them in my life anymore, right?  Perhaps I should rewrite the letter and be more specific as to why I'm leaving?  But I don't want to engage them at all.  What am I missing here?  Thanks for helping me work this out. <3

I wouldn't say more specific. I'd say be less specific.

You can look up a bunch of deFOO letters on here. Mine was very simple, for instance. It said something to the effect of "I am taking an indefinite break from communicating with the family. I will contact you if and when I wish to resume a relationship." Very simple - just a sentence or two.

All of this is just my opinion, of course. Perhaps others will have some better advice.

Wow.  That completely works.  I had no idea it could be said to efficiently.  I am so glad I posted that.  Much appreciated!

Glad I could be of some help, my friend.