Freedomain Radio

chuck:

KevinP

I mentioned earlier in the chat room that I have been coming around for a few months (since Jan) to figure out why I was defood...I came across this post and became confused yet again. Everyone keeps wanting to blame parents for all of their faults and downfalls. Parents are not taught how to raise children in fact they learn by example and maybe by reading a couple of books. When you are confronted with a difficult situation you deal with it the best you can. As adults we understand that our parents were only doing what they thought was right and then we let it go. I think many older siblings are forced to take the leadership role by necessity in order to help out around the house. Is  this right? Possibly not but certainly not something we have to hold against our families of origin. Perhaps no one should have children as surely there is no one way to raise them, but then that would be the end of humanity. The way we were raised bad or good makes us the adults we are today.  We accept and move on. I don't understand your statement regarding parents being full of shit because they attended award ceremonies and school shows in a show of support. I always thought it sad that there were so many children that weren't even able to participate because their parents didn't give a damn...

 If what our parents did was only what they thought was right, why did so much of the nastier stuff happen in private, away from prying eyes?  I know that I probably got slapped a few times in the arm and got my hair pulled - well, held, actually, causing the usual escape instinct much pain.  But I don't remember these things happening in public (or, if they did, it was bent over behind the clothing racks in hushed, stern tones).  And I witnessed much the same phenomenon with my little sister and my cousins (by a different mother, but very similar).  And that was the tiny bit of physical abuse.  I got the lion's share of disapproving looks, vitriolic lectures, projected anger from work or my other siblings, lots of venom injected straight into my cranium.  And this stuff happened at home, in private.  Mom would be giving me a yelling lecture on my room or my grades, and then the phone would ring and it was someone from work, and she would put on this ridiculously fake, syrupy voice that I instinctively hated but didn't realize why until very recently.  She could talk to me and my sister like that if she wanted to.  But she didn't want to.

If forcing someone into a leadership role sans power is abusive (and I personally think that it is, although I'd be interested to get your take), then I have to take issue with it being something we don't have to hold against our parents.  Being put into that kind of leadership role is bad whether you are an adult or a child, and it is certainly much worse for a child who is not going to be able to muster the bullying and abuse necessary to pull it off in this kind of situation (like Greg).

I take issue with the need to accept the wrongs that were done to us as children.  I certainly have to acknowledge that those wrongs occurred, and have to come to terms with the emotional scars that resulted from that behavior.  But the notion that the only way to heal is to give our parents a pass and just accept what happened goes against the most vital truths that I have been able to glean from this conversation.  My parents' behavior was abusive.  They enslaved me to their opinions by calling them "the good".  They tried to mold me into the little boy that they wanted me to be and completely neglected the boy that I actually am.  If I wouldn't accept that kind of behavior from a friend, a store clerk, a waiter, or even an employer, why would I accept it from my own parents?  Why do they get a "Get Out of Blame Free" card?

As to your last point: do the parents who go to the awards ceremonies and shows go to support their children or to use their children to bolster themselves?  Who is the "My child is an Honor Student at..." really for?

KevinP

 Great point Kevin, about the hush-hush nature of most parental abuse. I experienced the same thing.