Freedomain Radio

"Accommodation to parental needs often (but not always) leads to the "as if personality". This person develops in such a way that he reveals only what is expected of him and fuses so completely with what he reveals that one could scarcely guess how much more there is to him behind this false self. He cannot develop and differentiate his true self, because he is unable to live it."

-Alice Miller (Drama of the Gifted Child)

The true self is the expression of the spontaneous, what is in tune with reality and not based on the expectations and opinions of others. It is the part of you that is repressed, unable to express the true emotions you feel. For instance:

The other day I was working with a co-worker on a server build for Citrix. He shared with me that his 9 year old child will manipulate he and the child's mother, his ex-wife, playing them against each other for attention. I sat stunned at the horror of what I'd been told. My true self could not express the horror, my false self laughed with him. Laughter was expected, agreement was expected. For the child he spoke of could only manipulate as his sole means of getting the attention he so desperately needs. My true self asks the question, "Why do you think he wants attention?", but he cannot speak. Any expression of horror would have resulted in the provoking of his defenses and ultimately - attack.

The first response to that question, of course, would have been a defense of minimization or dismissal, "Oh... that's just the way kids are." A tautological non-answer akin to saying "The sky is blue because the sky is blue."

If I work hard, save my money and drive 5 miles to the store in order to buy an iPod, it can only be for one of the following two reasons:

1. I don't have an iPod.
2. I don't have enough iPods.

This may seem blatantly obvious to anyone with any kind of empathy, but the reason why the child is going to the tremendous amount of trouble to manipulate his parents is because he is not getting attention by any other means. To take a sad but common example of neglect... If I imprison a starving dog in my back yard and I do not feed the dog, can I blame the dog for fiercely attacking myself or... another - smaller, delicious animal?

Something is obviously troubling the child, can he not simply take as much time as necessary to be curious about the child's thoughts and feelings, rather than punishing the child for being "manipulative"?

Thus you can see why my true self felt horrified. If my true thoughts and feelings were exposed, my work environment would have become a lot more hostile... an expense I simply cannot afford. When a child expresses his horror and true self feelings of anger towards an abusive parent, that parent is faced with a choice. They can either face the feelings of terror as they stare at the ugliness of their own evil reflected back from the true self mirror of the child... or they can deny the evil in themselves, blame the child for provoking those feelings and respond with additional attacks on the child.

I felt terrible about my laughter. Is this an act of cruel cowardice for financial gain? My true self suffocates under the pillows sat upon by the false self. Smothered, as to muffle the cries of a small, Jewish child, hiding in the attic of a Nazi Germany home.

Thanks for this, Nathan. I found it helpful.

Nathan:

He shared with me that his 9 year old child will manipulate he and the child's mother, his ex-wife, playing them against each other for attention. I sat stunned at the horror of what I'd been told... "Why do you think he wants attention?"

.

To have the ability to see this and feel this without having to consider it for some time...

This is what we need.

Greg Gauthier:

Thanks for this, Nathan. I found it helpful.

Thank you Greg that was my goal.

Do you think I acted rightly in that situation, or should my true self have been allowed to speak up? 

Nathan:

Do you think I acted rightly in that situation, or should my true self have been allowed to speak up? 

I hope this question wasn't posed only to Greg. I think your true self should have spoken up. You need not express the horror you say you felt, since that may have done more to alienate your co-worker but questioning or even suggesting why the child is acting out might have at least given him a new point of view that might lead to dealing with the situation in a more constructive way.

Nate, that was very enjoyable reading, and helpful as Greg said

Thanks!

 

thirdear:

Nathan:

Do you think I acted rightly in that situation, or should my true self have been allowed to speak up? 

I hope this question wasn't posed only to Greg. I think your true self should have spoken up. You need not express the horror you say you felt, since that may have done more to alienate your co-worker but questioning or even suggesting why the child is acting out might have at least given him a new point of view that might lead to dealing with the situation in a more constructive way.

Perhaps you're right.  I'll have to consider that for the future I think. 

Good find Mr. Nathan. I do not suspect there is a good answer for what you could have done in that situation. However, the case your co-worker mentioned is a good exercise in finding out where the true and false self come in. Is "manipulation" from the child a true self or a false self thing?

Joey:

Good find Mr. Nathan. I do not suspect there is a good answer for what you could have done in that situation. However, the case your co-worker mentioned is a good exercise in finding out where the true and false self come in.

Very much so.

Is "manipulation" from the child a true self or a false self thing?

False self, because the child cannot express his true feelings about not getting the attention he needs. 

Nathan:

Is "manipulation" from the child a true self or a false self thing?

False self, because the child cannot express his true feelings about not getting the attention he needs. 

Come on. I can see how this true / false self thing could be useful as a behavioral model, given a very specific framework, but questions like this take it too far. There are no "true" and "false" selves. It's folk-psychology at its worst. And like other folk psychology ideas (e.g. the inner child, the ego, etc.) it becomes a hindrance if you take it too far. 

Use it when it's helpful, but never forget that it's not real. 

Derrick:

Nathan:

Is "manipulation" from the child a true self or a false self thing?

False self, because the child cannot express his true feelings about not getting the attention he needs. 

Come on. I can see how this true / false self thing could be useful as a behavioral model, given a very specific framework, but questions like this take it too far. There are no "true" and "false" selves. It's folk-psychology at its worst. And like other folk psychology ideas (e.g. the inner child, the ego, etc.) it becomes a hindrance if you take it too far. 

Use it when it's helpful, but never forget that it's not real. 

Really? Perhaps you'll care to teach us about behavioral models.  How would it be useful as a behavioral model? Would you care to explain what "too far" means? Where is the line drawn? How and what does it "hinder"?

Derrick:

Nathan:

Is "manipulation" from the child a true self or a false self thing?

False self, because the child cannot express his true feelings about not getting the attention he needs. 

Come on. I can see how this true / false self thing could be useful as a behavioral model, given a very specific framework, but questions like this take it too far. There are no "true" and "false" selves. It's folk-psychology at its worst. And like other folk psychology ideas (e.g. the inner child, the ego, etc.) it becomes a hindrance if you take it too far. 

Use it when it's helpful, but never forget that it's not real. 

Translation: "As I read this, I become extremely anxious and irritated, so now you have an obligation to me to stop talking about this."

 

Nathan:

Really? Perhaps you'll care to teach us about behavioral models.  How would it be useful as a behavioral model? Would you care to explain what "too far" means? Where is the line drawn? How and what does it "hinder"?

Sure, I'll teach you whatever I know if you ask me about it. Of course, I don't have to be an expert neurologist to know that there isn't really a false self and a true self somewhere inside my brain. 

Any model can be useful if it helps solve a problem, whether the model is true or not. That's how it could be useful. So if you find that talking about a true / false self is useful to solve some problem, such as resentment of family or something else, then great. More power to you. It would be a hindrance, however, if you used it all the time. And that's because, as I said, there isn't really a true / false self. It's just a model. 

I mean, we're not arguing about that last fact, are we? If you believe that there really is a true and false self, then I'm not sure that any discussion about the matter would be helpful. Out of curiosity I'd wonder what you think those "selves" are, but I'm not really interested in debating it.

 

Greg Gauthier:

Translation: "As I read this, I become extremely anxious and irritated, so now you have an obligation to me to stop talking about this."

 

Translation: "As I read this, I became irritated, so instead of talking about the issue, I ascribed some negative motivation to the original poster, and used that to circumvent and ignore anything he might have been saying."

Greg, I don't know if that's actually an accurate portrayal of why you posted your response, but I suggest that yours was far less on-topic than mine. I don't think anyone needs to stop discussing anything, least of all due to any irritation or anxiety on my part. You, on the other hand, clearly want me to stop talking about the folk-psychology nature of this "true / false self" concept.

What is 'folk psychology'?

It refers to the theories of mind that people produce based on observation and hypothesis, but which aren't verifiable, and are not accurate portrayals of what happens in a person's nervous system. If you want to know more, there is a vast commentary on the subject, and Google returns several hundred thousand results.