Freedomain Radio

Dear free domain people, 

I just broke off relations with my mother about two weeks ago.  She was a real jerk and would not admit to what she did.  When I was little she put accused my dad of sexually abusing me.  It was investigated five time by the DHS and every time it came but according to the social workers that she was coaching me and my sister to tell lies.  She then denied me access to my father and took me to psychiatrist and I was put on a series of drugs that made me want to kill myself.  I was only seven and could not rationalize the situation at the time.  Then in order to make more money ( you get more child support for "special needs children") and to help the shrink make more money I was put into a mental hospital.  There I was drugged on Haldol for about twenty or so days.  During this time I was in a constant state of shock.  I wound up in a pile of my shit and blood.  By the way mental hospital for me was HELL on Earth, do not go there if you can avoid it.  Anyway I get out of the mental hospital and my mom comes to an agreement with my dad.  She ends the custody battle, and literally sells me to my dad for 13,000 dollars, it was legal contract too, just amazing.  After all of the drugging that went on I was severely retarded.  By time I was able to function and withdraw from the drugs I was at a kindergarten reading level.  I was home school by my dad wife at the time.  She would yell at me, slapped me around, and gave me a bad, but false taste of women in general.  I was able to become some what normal after this, but the damage is still their.  When I confronted my mother she just gave me a bunch of half truths.  I know all this happened because I was their and I have seen some of paper work to go with it.  I know she was lying to me so I decide that I do not want my future family to be with her.  She would do it again, I know that she would but me back their again.  I was going to curse, but I am not. 

I have also decided to confront my dad with what he has done as well.  He has planned out my life from the beginning.  He has decided my life and was giving me money to support my life.  I have stopped accepting money from him.  I still talk to him and I would like to confront this.  I know that I must live my own life and make my own decision. 

I have always been honest with my parents about my faults.  I have come clean with everything bad that I have done: from having gay sex to becoming a Scientologist,  my dad was Scientologist so that was part of reason why I joined, but my mom did not like it. (I am no longer a part of the church of scientology.)  I guess want the same.

 So I am getting letters from my mom, I am not going to look at them.  I am going to tell my dad that I am not going to follow in his foot steps or anyones for that matter.  I have a lot of emotional baggage and I was chatting with some people in the chat section of the web page and they suggested posting about this and going through this alone. 

OK here is the good news.  I have a job and I am going to school.  I not crazy, well maybe a little.   I know I can change, the apple does not have to fall right next to the tree.  I am going to seek counseling that does not involve drugs, but after going through all that I was wondering if you could give me some proof that therapy actually works.  To be honest with you I do not know that much about  psychology.  I am a pretty ignorant dude, but I would like to learn.  I am going to get counseling when I can afford it, if I do it through the state I will not be able to appreciate, I am kind of weird like that.  I guess I want to confront this so that I can feel emotions and be real again.  I have suppress myself because of all this crap for way too long.

 

Any advice you guys can give would be much appreciated, my life does not suck and I am going to win.  I feel that I can live free.  Free of people that want to control or kill my true self.  Free of lies, Free of hate, Free of false beliefs.  I am on a search for freedom or my true self.  I have made many mistakes, and I still can not confront reality of what my mother did to me.  I still will not  allow myself that.  I know I am angry, hurt and sad but I am suppressing it.  I must confront reality and step into light, even if it kills me.   I am only 22 years old so I still got a lot of time, and I feel that tides are finally turning.  Thanks to Stef and the people here I might have a shot at living free.  I can have a family, develop the confidence to talk to women, and find my true self.  So do not pity me, I am on journey that will safe my soul.  An adventure that I will never forget.  Thank you and please post and give me some advice I am not well read, remember I did go to public school. 

 

Thank you

 

Sincerely

 

Noah 

P.S

Posting this already has made me feel a little better about my decision.
 

Wow.  I am so sorry to hear about what you went through.  I am glad that you are here and thanks for your openness and honesty.  Im not a therapist and have never been to therapy, so I am afraid I won't be much help for practicality, but I think there are theories of therapy that are good.  I think it is also important that you know that what you described above was not therapy at all, but more abuse from people other than relatives.  I would suggest picking up a used college or high school textbook if you can find one cheap, PSYCHOLOGY 101.  Just reading it will teach you a lot about what common concepts of ppsychology are and how some of the science of thinking works.  That may make you feel more comfortable with the subject.  I am glad that you still have hope and desire.  I wish you well!

Congratulations on breaking free from a true lunatic club, good for you, we all know how hard that can be...

I think that therapy can be a great idea - if you're interested in how it can work, you might want to listen to the Ask A Therapist podcasts...

Keep us posted!

PS I don't think that 'having gay sex' is wrong at all, but I'm glad you're out of Scientology...

Thanks for the advice.  Yeah I have got to learn some more about therapy, so I will probably pick up one of those cheap college books or the for dummies series.  I have been listening to your podcasts on therapy, but I still got a lot to learn.  I will keep trucking.  Thanks

 

Noah 

Wow.

Um, just wow.

First, I want to say that I am so increadibly sorry that you had to deal with that, and tho I know it really doesnt do much to hear this from a stranger, congrats on surviving.

I've gone through alot of therapy, and, in reality, I think it helped alot. I just felt like it was great to talk to someone who wasnt there to judge you, who was entirely professional, and who was really a complete stranger. They helped me to sort through everything, granted, tho, it was not nearly as much as you had to sort through.

What I would suggest, if you want to look, is to check out your insurance website. Also, webmd.com has some great links. From there, look them up on their website, and see if there are any articles that they have published. More than anything, you need to do the research. You also need to suck it up a bit when it comes to them, and pay the extra for the good one. It realy makes a difference.

Hope that helped at all. And good luck on your, um, journey I guess. 

confront_truth:

I am going to get counseling when I can afford it, if I do it through the state I will not be able to appreciate, I am kind of weird like that.

The state pretty much pushed your mom to hurt you. If the state wants to pay for counseling, why wouldn't you take it?
I would take it, unless i thought it wouldn't do me any good. They will take the money back with taxes anyway.

 

 

I would use the state, its just that I am scared that they will put me into a mental hospital ( Not going back there, you would not either if you were me).  That is my only fear with doing business with the state, Plus screw those BEEP.  I am becoming a better at my job and i am making more money because I broke up with my mother. Luckily I am in sales, as ironic as that sounds so with a better attitude I was am able to make more money( When I say sales, I mean that I sell shoes, but you can make a good living off it)

Anyways I still shopping for therapist and I have found a few with some good reviews so I will check them out toward mid April and probably start by May. And I am so excited to be out of the world Scientology, you do not even want to know. AH ah.

I have been listening to Stef podcast on true self and I have realize that a lot my hatred and ignorance was because of my childhood.  I thought all women were jerks because of my mom, it turns out she was the jerk and not all of the women, thank "goodness".  Anyways I think I will go to webmd and take a look.  And think I am going to get one those dummy books, I they are really simple to understand, at least more me, I was never to good at reading to be honest with you, but I am getting better with practice.  I got to get a good foundation with all this stuff and I have to talk to my dad about making decision for me.  That's not going to be a fun conversation, but no point in half beep this philosophy, might as well go for the gold.  Anyways thank you all for your help and contribution to my well being, it nice to know that I am not alone.

Just to encourage others who have mess up families, especially if you have kids, you do not have to repeat history. You can change, it a lot of work and I am just beginning to start, but it well worth it.  Trust me, just the little I have done  has paid off in huge dividends.  Plus you really do not want to put your kids through what you went through.  Just because your parents failed does mean you have to fail.  You can be a good parent, just do not ask me how, ask an expert or someone who knows what they are talking about, but it is possible.

Can not wait to find out who I really am, because I know that I have been living a lie for most of life, that what I really want to get out of therapy.

 

PEACE

NOAH