Freedomain Radio

So I finally hit a last straw with my mother, and I sent a defoo letter. She was pretty awful to me as a kid, I'm not setting any precedence there. But as I got older She was nicer to me and I stuck around, even though I was always uncomfortable around her. I had figured that now that she's on meds she's alright, she's changed and I let it go. But then I find out she's doing the same thing to her boyfriend. I just flipped and spent a week thinking about it and then sent her this:

I can pretty much guarantee you aren't going to like this letter so I'll keep it brief.
I've been talking to Tim and I realize that what he's talking about is very familiar.
Even through the haze of crap that Tim can produce I recognize the stuff he's relating
from when I was a kid.
You're playing the same kind of mind games and guilt/power trips on him that you pulled on
me for years, and frankly thats completely despicable. Now, my premise for still having
anything to do with you is that I believed that you weren't the same person that did
what you did to me when I was a kid; that you had changed and with medication you were alright.
Now it seams that you're the same miserable bitch that you always were, you just medicate
yourself to this side of suicide and call it good, without taking any responsibility for the way
you treat people or actually dealing with your problems.

I can't reconcile dealing with someone who will behave in this fashion not once or for a
short period of time or even every once in a while but repeatedly and for pretty much
as long as I've known you. This isn't the same as the talk we had when I was 16, I'm
not dependent on you for my survival and I'm not asking or expecting you to change.
It's your life, you've decide how to live it, and while Tim will probably never stand up
to you I won't stand Idly by while you do to someone (anyone) else what you did to me.

In case I haven't been perfectly clear I will not be communicating with you from this point on.
My email won't change but I won't reply, and please don't call or write.
I'm sure that it doesn't help but this was hard to write, and I do hope you figure it out, but the
most I can bring myself to say is take care and have a good life.

 

Its an angry letter and now I feel guilty because I know how much this is going to hurt her. not the letter so much as the whole situation.

I pretty much blindsided her with this. I don't know I just need to know that I'm doing the right thing. I'm absolutely terrified of alot of things about this. I could ramble on but honestly I could just use a kind word and encouragement right now. Thanks in advance.

 
                                                                                                                                      -Bob-
 Update: My mom emailed back and there were no real fireworks, in fact it seemed too easy. Maybe Steph's right about he not missing you thing. But I was certainly worried about drama. I probably aught to look at my anger towards my mom. Thanks for the support.

Hey Bob,

Have you considered talking to a therapist about your childhood and the anger you feel?

Yes and no. I have in the past been to therapy but haven't found it very useful. I've come along way just working a process in my own head. I'm not an angry guy overall, and Honestly I was only mildly annoyed and uncomfortable around mom. It was finding out that she was up to her old tricks that set me off. Maybe it was repressed, maybe it was finding out that she is still a wolf thats been dressed like a sheep for a decade. I'm open to ideas though.

Of course, you are perfectly free to not have a relationship with anyone you don't want to - you are also perfectly free to send an angry letter as well. However, I think that you still want to hurt your mother, which means that you still have hope for change, or that her behaviour might alter based on your letter or desires...

Does that ring true at all? 

I think that there is some truth in that assessment . I do wish that there could be change. I wish that I could have had a good relationship with my mother but as far as "expecting" or "waiting for" her to change because of this letter...I'm certainly not holding my breath. As for the hurtful words, yeah I was probably lashing out. I did have a handy rationalization :D That telling her "like it is" might be the thing that helps her even though I won't be around. Thats just passive aggressive thinking. I'm not really sorry I said those things though since it is definitely what I've wanted to say to her for years. I just can't think I have "The Power™" to change her. I listened to your understanding abusers podcast and that helped quite a bit. she's the only family I have left and none of the rest are any better, so I'm also kind of afraid that now I'm completely alone. No turning back now. Thanks

                                                 -Bob-

 

Completely alone doesn't feel good at first, but it's a great place to start fresh. It was only at a certain point in my life when I felt completely alone that I started understanding certain truths about life, really getting them emotionally as well as intellectually. Good luck, and I think you're on a better path now!