Freedomain Radio

Has anyone else had this experience of FDR? 

Today I realized that I'm not living this philosophy, and that I'm well beyond the learning phase. I have had plenty of time to formulate any questions about things in FDR that confuse me, and this board as the perfect place to post them. I started listening to FDR in October of last year and have listened to roughly the first 540 podcasts in sequence as well as about 1/2 of the current podcasts in FDR Volume 4. I own and have read/listened to all 3 of the FDR philosophy books, as well as TGOA and Revolutions. I majored in philosophy in college, so there is very little of it I've had trouble understanding from an intellectual standpoint. Quite the opposite, listening to and reading on UPB, in particular, was extraordinarily intellectually exciting for me because Stef was able to put together a solid rational proof of secular ethics (philosophy's holy grail). There is very little I've had trouble understanding from an intellectual standpoint, but very much of it I've failed to implement in my life in any tangible way. I have not even begun to explore the de-foo in anything but conceptual ways. I've continued to largely ignore and/or bury my "undesirable" emotions instead of treating them like an immune system response for my virtue (this has changed dramatically in the past week or so since listening to RTR). I've approached this board like I have the few other message boards I've ever posted on--as a mostly intellectual exercise--when it's clearly about discussing action associated with the ideas of FDR, rather than an erudite "what-if-robbers-hold-you-at-gunpoint-and-ask-where-your-wife-is-so-they-can-kill-her" -style board. I realized that I'm not living this philosophy nearly as completely as I could be, and felt a strong sense of existential dread--the same feeling I get whenever I'm actively fearing death.

This sort of behavior has been popping up in one way or another in my life for at least the last 10 years (I'm currently 26). I know all I need to know about diet and exercise, yet I continue to slowly gain weight instead of lose it. I know a lot of facts about how to be successful as a writer, but I have a few uncompleted novels on my hard drive, as well as list upon list of unstarted story and essay ideas. I have all the guitar resources I could want, but my ability hasn't progressed much in the past 2 years. All of these things slip out of my action fairly easily, but it's different with philosophy. The thought that I'm avoiding a workout isn't so bad, but the thought that I'm avoiding virtuous actions is utterly crippling to me. I finally fully made this realization last night and barely slept. I've never had insomnia before, but it sounds horrifying, and I'd really rather nip it in the bud, if this is the beginning.

And here, I thought I was about to become a doctor (ala podcast 926 - The Obligations of Doctors). "Just gotta catch up on podcasts, and then I can start with spreading the word," I'd tell myself cheerily, ignoring all the inherent impossibilities in teaching philosophy without living it. I wanted to cure everyone's contagious skin rash before I had even begun to contain my own...before I had even begun to muster the curiosity to wonder whether I had any rash on me, or where it came from in the first place. I was smarter than them, and they'd take the cure, damn it.

File that one under N-for-Narcissism in the cabinet marked "Dark Side."

A few months back one of my philosophy major friends posted a message on twitter.com asking whether it was wrong if he called himself a philosopher, while having just a bachelor's degree in philosophy. I responded with a message saying that I figured you could call yourself a philosopher once you'd published some philosophy. It's so much more clear to me now that published philosophy is most useful when it's the effect of rather than the cause of virtuous action. Anybody can write anything they want, but action is the best proof for any argument. Action and its results will always show the inherent logic or illogic of a philosophical idea because actions in the real world can't help but conform to the logic and empirical verification we try to abstract in writing.

Yet here I am still writing...

I'm feeling elated, like I'm lifting a weight off of my chest. I'm still anxious, though, because I've felt this before. With exercise, I know how to lose weight. I've studied plenty on it beyond just the basics. I'm completely capable of exercising and eating properly, and it even feels good. I am elated whenever I start a diet/exercise program. I have yet to stick with one of those plans for more than a couple of weeks or a month. I don't want to let this drive to do philosophy instead of just learn it go away. How can I make philosophical action stick? I know everything else after that will follow with the help of the RTR and members of this board. The recent podcasts associated with procrastination have been extremely helpful to me, but mostly in other areas. The set of emotions surrounding avoidance after a month of work on something seem somehow different to me than those surrounding when I'm procrastinating. Maybe this is just my false self complicating things more than they need to be.

RTR full disclosure - While I was writing this post, I nearly stopped writing and scrapped it: In order to play my guitar nine times; Twice in order to stop and play video games; Once in order to go have a drink with an old co-worker; and about 2.5 times citing to myself the anxiety I have around using message boards in the first place. There's clearly work to be done, but at least I can RTR myself and see my own dirty false-self tricks. I get the feeling this is going to be the hardest thing I ever do. "...It is only incidentally the kind of radiation and pain that will cure [me]."

Thanks for reading this far, you're a real trouper. As a reward, I'll grant you free access to my ***SHAMELESS PLUG*** new blog ***SHAMELESS PLUG*** (which has some entries relevant to this post). Wow! Free? I know, I'm too kind.

Thanks Jason, that is a wonderfully brave post!

Perhaps you and I could have a chat? I don't think you're alone in what you feel...