In a 952 podcast self attack is mentioned. Summary: Given the choice in your youth: attack yourself or be attacked, it was wiser to attack yourself, an act of self defense. You 'only' have to unlearn it after growing up.
Violence has nothing with which to cover itself except the lie, and the
lie has nothing to stand on other than violence. Any man who has once
acclaimed violence as his method must inexorably choose the lie as his principle. Solzhenitsyn, Alexander